Is forgiveness not enough?
by Eric Bosire • 13 July 2023
“I, __, take thee, __, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith.” These are the words recited by the bride and the bridegroom on the wedding day. In some instances, the promises made from these vows do not come to fulfillment for one reason or another.
In a marriage, a husband and wife are one flesh; in my view, that means that they are united physically and spiritually and faithfully do close to everything together. However, some marriages end up developing problems which lead to separation, and eventually to divorce.
In Kenya, once a couple has separated, friends and family encourage them to get back together if they are willing. They embark on a reconciliation journey that involves forgiveness in order for it to work. The partner responsible for the break up is advised to seek forgiveness. Some couples end up forgiving one another, others resort to divorce because of failing to reach an agreement.
The reconciliation process is mostly initiated by the parents of either party, the reason for the break up notwithstanding. They try to push for it because of factors such as children being affected, Biblical teachings that discourage divorce and so on.
As much as the needs of the children should be thought of, the essential needs of the mother and the father should not be neglected. They contribute to the basis of a good marriage.
Forgiveness, as we saw in our past article “Forgiveness cannot be bought”, is making the choice of disregarding a wrong that was committed against you. It means deciding to treat a person as if he or she did not wrong you. I might remember somebody wronged me, but I will behave as if I have forgotten.
Forgiveness is a good thing, even in the Bible Jesus teaches us to forgive one another just as he has forgiven us our wrong doings. Some people have taken this forgiveness matter too far; they have made it appear that in order to forgive a person something must be given in addition. It is in this regard I went out in search of a story that would vividly bring this issue out. I met Susan Karembo*, a nurse at Kisii Teaching and Referral Hospital who shared her story.
She started by saying that she was married to a certain man for 4 years, and for her all was well, she loved and cared for her husband who also reciprocated the same. “My husband was a jovial, loving and caring man. It was fun having him around, we could laugh at his jokes the whole day”, said Karembo. Suddenly, things took a drastic change, “he started behaving differently, coming home late than usual, he no longer was not interested in my food, he came home already full, the jokes faded off and just like that my husband was slipping away", from the husband's unusual behavior, Susan was as sure as death and taxes that something was wrong and her wildest nightmare was taking course.
Karembo embarked on a fact finding mission to find out what was going on, and soon enough she stumbled upon her husband's mobile phone. She went through the text messages and found out that her husband was having an affair with her best friend. “I still, up to now, have not understood how my best friend could hang out with me in pretense knowing very well that she was sleeping with my husband,” said Karembo. On confronting her husband, who had now been cornered because he could not deny the evidence leveled against him, the husband blamed it all on the best friend. He begged for forgiveness and promised not to continue the affair. Karembo forgave her husband because she really loved him so much and she was pretty sure that her best friend was responsible for the affair, “I understood because earlier on before I got married, she did it with someone who was interested in me, which she denied but I forgave her anyway,” said Karembo.
Their marriage got back on track, her husband reverted to being a responsible man, taking care of his wife. Unfortunately, along the way he lost his job, Karembo with her relatively small salary by then, struggled and took care of all the household stuff. She paid the house rent and all the bills. “I supported him and encouraged him when he lost his job,” said Karembo.
Things were okay until one day Karembo got seriously sick and was hospitalized, this is the time she needed her husband the most, but the man was nowhere to be seen. “He went MIA (missing in action) on me,” said Karembo. He did not answer her calls, he eventually blocked her number because of the persistent calls. Karembo was really hurt that her husband betrayed her and dumped her when she was very sick and hospitalized. Luckily her family was close to her during this difficult period, they gave her a shoulder to lean on. “If it wasn’t for my family, I just don’t know what would have happened,” said Karembo.
After a few weeks in hospital, Karembo got well and was discharged. She went home to her mother’s place and sent for her things from her husband’s house. She stayed with her mother for some time, then later rented her own house. All this time she had never set eyes on her husband, she was wondering why her husband had abandoned her and blocked her number. On inquiring from mutual friends, she did not get any answer. She thought maybe it was because she had not gotten a child, so many questions lingered in her mind “I really wanted to face him and ask him why? But my family members discouraged me,” said Karembo.
Karembo’s family tried reconciliation talks with her husband’s family, but they did not respond to their requests. Therefore, they separated and finally divorced because the man did not make any effort to have her back.
“I really had a hard time letting go, I cried endlessly, I prayed and wished him bad things for 2 years. Finally, I learnt to let go and completely forgave him,” said Karembo. Through prayers and the word of God, she finally managed to get the whole saga out of her chest and even remembered her ex-husband in her prayers after hearing from friends that he was not doing so well in life.
Karembo went on well with her life, she even got a better job, she was employed as a nurse in a government hospital having completed her studies. From nowhere her ex-husband resurfaced, having not heard from him or seen him for close to two years. One day he called her asking for forgiveness, on receiving the call, she did not know it was her ex-husband calling, upon hearing the voice from the other side, shivers went through her, she wanted to hung up, but after a short silence she continued with the call, “I told him, I had already forgiven him and that I had even sent a text message to him informing him of the same,” said Karembo.
Her ex-husband told Karembo that if she had forgiven him, they should get back together. Karembo refused. Often this man could send Karembo text messages telling her that she had not forgiven him, and if she did, then she would not refuse them getting back together. It went on like this until it became an accusation that she was refusing to get back to him.
Her ex-husband insisted on getting back together if indeed she had forgiven him, this made her feel that this man was manipulating her. He even tried to use mutual friends to talk to her, but it was in vain. Which begs the question, must you get back together with your partner to show that indeed you have forgiven them?
Karembo’s ex-husband left Karembo when she needed him the most, in a hospital bed, without a concrete reason. To her surprise, she said, “People told me that I had not forgiven him, if I did, I would be talking to him and had him back.” This really got Karembo furious because she knew what had happened to her in the past. “For me, I believe that I can forgive and still keep safe boundaries. Not keeping boundaries can expose me to similar attacks again like my best friend having an affair with my potential boyfriend and my husband, and also being left while bedridden,” said Karembo. She was being careful not to fall into a trap because “once bitten twice shy”. Karembo quoted the Bible in the book of Proverbs 4:23 that says, “above all things guard your heart because it's the wellspring of life,” Therefore she chose to guard her heart at whatever cost.
Karembo moved on and found love again with another man. She is happily married with two kids.
Next: Dangers of a kind heart, by Eric Bosire.
Notes:
* Susan Karembo is not her real, name changed by the editor’s request. back
About the author:
Eric Bosire is a Kenyan Journalist. He is based in Kisii.
About the image:
Photograph taken in the context of the wedding of a friend of the author of the article.
The publisher of MissionField News has bought the publication rights for this photo.
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Suggested citation:
Eric Bosire: Is forgiveness not enough? MissionField News (ISSN 2813-2270)
https://missionfield.news/2023/9_Enough
2023-07-13.