Entrance gate of Kisii University, where Mwango used to study.

Forgiveness cannot be bought

by Eric Bosire • 8 June 2023

In our day-to-day lives, people wrong one another intentionally or unintentionally. In some instances, people are doing right as per their knowledge and understanding, but other people see whatever they do as wrong according to their perspective. A wrong is done sometimes largely because of the surrounding situation: A bad situation can make a person do wrong. Some people wrong others because of revenge or as payback.

Forgiveness is making the choice of disregarding a wrong that was committed against you. It means deciding to treat a person as if he or she did not wrong you. I might remember somebody wronged me, but I will behave as if I have forgotten. When we are wronged, we are supposed to forgive one another as the Bible says in Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” We should endeavor to follow Jesus’ example and forgive one another just as He forgives us our sins every day.

It is vital to forgive one another. We have all been hurt or wronged by other people mentally, physically or emotionally. Forgiveness releases people from mental distress and brings peace and happiness to a person. Life can be hard and can take people through rough patches of insurmountable pain, but if we pursue forgiveness, we relieve ourselves from the bondage of life’s difficult situations.

Forgiveness is done out of the goodwill of a person. However, that isn’t clear to everyone, and sometimes attempts at manipulation are made. There is a fellowship group called 'Intercede for Kenya'. It's a group of young Christian believers from different churches with a common goal to pray for Kenya and other spiritual matters. The group has a defined program that enables them to achieve their goal despite the busy schedules of people. I happen to be a member of this group. One day after one of our prayer meetings, I approached Mwango, a young lady, who looks to be in her early 30's going by her looks. (Be warned! In Kenya, you don't ask a lady her age. You won't like the response.)

Because of the many meetings we have held both online and physically, we have formed a rapport, and therefore, Mwango^* responded to my approach with all smiles. After a few pleasantries about our group, I proceeded and shot my question. I asked her if she had been manipulated by anyone in order to forgive the person. I took my time to explain the question so that she understood it. To my surprise, she comprehended everything I asked her as if someone had given her a heads-up in advance.

Mwango started by saying that she had a personal experience, in her early years, she was brought up by her mum who was a single mother by then, later her mum got married and so her step father took up the responsibility of taking care of her together with her mother. Soon, she got other siblings, and they lived happily because her stepfather took great care of their family.

Later in life it happened that Mwango met her supposedly biological father. They talked and got to know one another. At this time, Mwango had mixed reactions. First, she was happy to meet her real father at the same time she was bitter. "As much as I grew up okay, I was bitter because I had experiences along the way that made me question his absence," said Mwango. According to her, she was pretty sure that some of the things that happened to her while growing up wouldn't have happened if her real father had been in the picture. However, she did not disclose what she went through while growing up. Mwango said, "I met my real father when I was over 18 years of age." The dad being a late comer, had a lot of work to do to convince her about his long absence. To him, words were scarce and he was not wise enough in his talk, so he resorted to using money. He used to send her money all the time, bought her expensive gifts, nice clothes, and shoes. Mwango was just joining college, and the man took advantage of the opportunity and paid her college fees. He was doing all this to assure Mwango that he was “now” around and that she was not to worry anymore. To Mwango, this was nothing compared to his long absentia. "He would do things for me to sort of manipulate me to forgive him about the things he missed on in my life while I was growing up, and I didn't like it," said Mwango.

Mwango went ahead and said that his real father was doing the little favors here and there to make her forget everything. “The fact that this man was not even ready to face it and talk to me about the time he had missed out in my life upset me more,” said Mwango. She wished that this man could have sat her down and explained about his absenteeism truthfully. I was curious to know what happened next, so I asked Mwango if the gentleman succeeded in winning her attention. “He sort of won my attention for a little while, but as I got older, I realized that it was manipulation and I even resented him more,” said Mwango. It really took a toll on her to a point of affecting her ministerial duties as a worship leader in the church.

Mwango’s guiding verse in the Bible is John 4:24 on worshiping God in spirit and truth, so any time she went to the altar to sing, she felt like she was lying to God, because of the bitterness she had towards her father. Then she was also reminded by Matthew 5:22-24 that says, “if you go to offer a sacrifice and you have a disagreement or quarrel with someone, you should leave that sacrifice on the altar, go solve the problem then come back to offer it.” For this reason, she took a sabbatical on her ministry work because according to her God was not accepting her sacrifice of worship and so she had to pursue forgiveness. She prayed to God to help her forgive her father. “I prayed a lot for peace, for a very long time, it took me years and finally God helped me to let go and forgive him,” said Mwango.

All Mwango wanted was closure, she wanted to know why her father was not part of her life since childhood. The question on Mwango’s mind was why this man came to her life later. Did he have a hidden agenda? The rate at which he was throwing money at her was alarming. When she remembered that she occasionally lacked this money while growing up, to the point of being sent home from school for lack of school fees, she got irritated.

There are other kinds of ways that forgiveness can be bought. On this, I met Reverend Joseph Ondieki, who is the senior pastor of Grace Revival Church Kisii Town. Rev. Joseph also holds a bachelor's degree in criminology from Moi University, Kenya. Rev. Joseph was glad to articulate on this matter, especially on his line of work as a pastor.

According to his understanding, there are some people who have used the word of God to achieve what they want to achieve. "These people have termed and connected forgiveness to one requiring to pay a certain price so that he or she is forgiven. In some instances, I have heard people saying that for you to have a chance to become holy or to be used to a certain level, there are sacrifices you have to make, "said Rev. Joseph. These sacrifices, according to him, are in monetary value or property value.

Rev. Joseph continued and said, “some pastors say that for you to receive a certain grace of gift you have to be forgiven and therefore you have to 'sow a seed', they have given a forceful pressure to people to plant a seed in form of money, some are even particular and ask for the amount according to what a person is in need. The more problems, the more money you give.” They sometimes even demand this 'seed' from people in the form of cars so that in return they are forgiven in order to receive a certain grace. This is pure manipulation because the Bible is very clear that the word and grace of God has been given to us freely, and so we are supposed to give it freely as well. "I don't object to the fact that people should give and offer sacrifices and such like things, because the Bible talks about giving but in terms of forgiveness, Christ Jesus has already fully paid that price and it's upon us to accept, believe and confess," said Rev. Joseph.

While offering counseling sessions to couples, Rev. Joseph has also come across some cases whereby a man has wronged his wife and for his wife to forgive the husband, he has to fulfill some demands like buying an expensive gift. According to Rev. Joseph, this puts a lot of pressure on the man that in order to show love, he has to part with something. This is a manipulative ploy, to say the least. A man should buy gifts for his wife willingly and not for reasons of being coerced to do so. If you forgive someone, then it should be propelled by one’s heart to do so. These things as Rev. Joseph puts it, ends up causing more marital problems.

Next: Local missionaries in Kenya, by Eric Bosire.

Notes:

About the author:
Eric Bosire is a Kenyan Journalist. He is based in Kisii.

About the image:
Photograph taken by Eric Bosire. back

* Mwango is not the real name of the first interviewee. She was not comfortable with her real name being used. back

Suggested citation:
Eric Bosire: Forgiveness cannot be bought. MissionField News (ISSN 2813-2270) https://missionfield.news/2023/6_Bought 2023-06-08.