Chema met with her counselor in a classroom of this school, which is affiliated with her church
Forgiving when it still hurts
by Bosibori Osusu • 13 April 2023
As Chema Dhahabu* walked towards me, she looked like a timid 15 year old. The short red dress she wore further convinced me of that assumption. At first glance, it was clear that she had not been accustomed to the excesses of the city life. I was not sure that she would be able to handle the interview, but the moment she spoke, her confidence and passion for the topic truly surprised me. At the age of 25, she has been through her fair share of disappointment. "I have tried and forgiven many, but others have been quite difficult. I have however seen that forgiveness helps in relieving a heavy heart and gives peace of mind." I loved how she kept referring to the Bible every time she expressed the difficulty in forgiving someone. For her the Bible reminded her of how important forgiveness is and the peace of mind and a light heart it brings her.
Chema was born out of wedlock. Her mother had left her with her grandmother, then later came for her when she was in class five. "Living with my mother and siblings was not easy," she said. She experienced a lot of discrimination and emotional torture in the hands of both her younger siblings and mother. Her brothers and sisters had no respect for her despite the fact that she is older. There was a lot of false accusations from her siblings which she was mostly unable to defend herself from. "Because I am a Christian and because God has called me to serve Him, I tried and taught myself to forgive them, and I did."
Her mother has never told her who her father is, and she felt betrayed by that. She also felt that her mother should not have taken her from her grandmother if she was not ready to raise her. Chema suffered emotional abuse from her mother, "Sometimes her abuses towards me felt like curses." She felt like an outcast in her own home. Even after she left Kakamega for Nairobi at the age of 23 to work, her mother leveled false accusations against her, claiming that she was married and was lying about going to work. She even claimed that she never called or send her money. According to Chema, she had sent her entire first salary to her mother to start a business. She was only left with KES 900.** She felt that her mother's love was based on her ability to send her money, it was conditional love. All these caused her emotional damage.
By the grace of God, her boss came through for her. "God gave me a good boss who introduced me to a counselor here in church. Her name is Harriet. She has been helping me through therapy sessions and encouraging me." Chema had gotten to a point where she isolated herself and did not feel the need to be around people. She however thanks God that in her isolation she did not get tempted to take her own life.
"God has given me strength, even when I am alone you will find me with a Bible or a notebook where I write words of hope and encouragement, which help me." She said. She also encourages herself with the stories of people in the Bible who went through pain and torture, but ended up forgiving those who put them through it. I asked her if the therapy she is going through is helping her in the process of forgiveness. "The process is not easy. You might want to forgive someone, but your heart is still heavy… especially someone who has never acknowledged or even regretted their actions."
She had gotten to a point where she had stopped communicating with the mother. Eventually, her mother reached out to her after the silence had gone on for too long. Chema voiced her concerns to her, and even though the mother did not apologize, she decided to forgive her but set boundaries on how their relationship was going to progress onwards. "Challenges are inevitable. God has a reason for letting us go through what we do. Forgiveness is not easy but as Jesus forgave his crucifiers, and like Joseph forgave his brothers, we should learn to forgive." Like Chema, some people simply accept that they were offended, especially when the person who hurt them is unavailable or unrepentant. In simple terms, they decide to let go and forgive without any repentance.
Each and everyone of us has faced a scenario where they needed to be forgiven or needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a touchy subject for some people but in essence forgiveness is a part of our lives, no matter how we feel about it. It is very important for us to unfold the culture of forgiveness as an important factor that is embedded into the process of reconciliation with both ourselves and others. Jesus taught us about forgiveness in the Lord's prayer. Luke:11:4 says, "... forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." This basically means that it is required of us to forgive in order for us to receive forgiveness from God, for we have all sinned and fallen short of His glory. Let’s ask ourselves this question, is forgiveness possible without repentance?
It is hard to forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness. I have personally been in a situation where I had to forgive someone who has never asked for forgiveness, simply for my peace of mind, and it was not easy. As human beings we almost always need closure and sometimes this comes in form of the person who hurt us asking for forgiveness. This helps us in letting go of the resentment we felt towards them. But does it mean that we should not forgive those who hurt us simply because they did not ask for it? Some people render conditional forgiveness while others simply refuse to forgive, even when the offender has repented and asked for forgiveness. Statements such as "I will only forgive you if..." or " I am only forgiving you because of so and so" are mostly used in such cases. Those that refuse to forgive are left with the burden of bitterness and resentment.
True forgiveness is when we let go of all resentments and hard feelings brought about by the hurt and/or loss caused by the offender's actions and/or decisions. This also means that we give up the need to be compensated. However, as much as we are required to forgive, it does not mean that we should condone the sin that has been committed against us. In Isaiah: 5:20, the Bible says that,"woe unto them that call evil good and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter." We should not condone the offense, pretend that it never happened or allow others to take advantage of us.
Sometimes we feel the need to forgive someone for a merely-perceived offense towards us. This means forgiveness with no valid basis. We sometimes need to acknowledge that we had no valid reason to be offended in the first place. In Ecclesiastes:7:9, we are asked to not be quick to anger, for anger is the mark of a fool.
* Name changed upon the editor’s request. (The interviewee would have been willing to be identified by her real name.) back
** KES 900 is about 6.60 in CHF, EUR or USD. Although many prices are somewhat lower in Kenya than in Europe or North America, you still can’t buy much with such an amount. back
Next: Is FGM still a cause for concern in Kuria, Migori County in Kenya?, by Bosibori Osusu.
About the author:
Bosibori Osusu is a Kenyan Journalist. She lives and works in
Nairobi, the capital city of Kenya.
About the image:
The photo was taken by Bosibori Osusu on 24 February 2023.
Suggested citation:
Bosibori Osusu: Forgiving when it still hurts. MissionField News (ISSN 2813-2270)
https://missionfield.news/2023/2_Forgiving
2023-04-13.