A bride's family receiving cows as dowry payment
Dowry
by Eric Bosire • 21 December 2023
While in primary school in the debating club, we used to have a very common motion: “Should bride price be abolished in modern society?” Proponents and opposers would go at each other until a winner would emerge at the end of the debate.
Traditionally, dowry is what the groom shared with the bride’s family as a token of appreciation for taking care of her. Every tribe in Kenya has its own cultural way of going about the dowry payment. For example, in the Kikuyu tribe as narrated by a Kikuyu elder, first the uncles of the bridegroom (with the request of the groom) would go for an introduction to the bride’s family. There they would be welcomed and after some pleasantries and sharing a meal, the groom’s uncles would say they have seen a flower in that home and were interested in plucking it. With that the bride’s family would know there is a man interested in their daughter.
The groom’s uncles identify the girl and as the tradition would dictate, they'll leave something as a sign that she has been betrothed so that no one else can come and claim interest. They would leave 10 goats or according to what they could afford and that would be deducted in the subsequent total dowry payment. Then the groom's family would come for the second time to know what the bride’s family would require as dowry. Mostly they would ask for livestock, that is goats or cows, and other specific items like alcohol, some kind of clothing, and different things depending on the family.
The bride's family would ask for 100 goats, well, this is a big number and only the rich could be able afford. There was room for negotiations and not all families asked for 100 goats, others asked for 60 goats, 50 goats and so on. Again it was not a requirement that you pay everything at a go, the goats could be paid subsequently in portions depending on the agreement that could be reached at.
The family asking for a hand in marriage would negotiate and say what they could be able to give and how they intended to give it. After a series of negotiations and deliberations, they would come into an agreement which would be written down on a piece of paper. On the third meeting the groom's family would avail the dowry to the bride’s family. They would bring all the dowry or part of it depending on the mode of payment agreed in the previous meeting.
That is the story of the Kikuyu tribe, however every tribe in Kenya had its own way of handling dowry according to their culture and traditions. The Luo and Kisii tribes paid their dowry with cows.
Nowadays dowry payment has changed significantly, so that different tribes no longer consider their culture and traditions as their fathers and forefathers did. It has been monetized, people no longer give livestock and other things that were used in the past. This has been brought about by modernization and intermarriages between tribes.
Dowry has been there from the times of father Abraham. In the old testament Abraham paid dowry for his son Isaac in order to acquire Rebecca. Abraham sent his servant Elieza who went to Rebecca’s home with donkeys full of gifts. That way Isaac got a wife. Many Kenyans believe that to the life of a believer, dowry is equally important because our standard of living is directed by the word of God.
Pastor Benson Weru of Harvesters Church, Nairobi said that a believer is supposed to follow the ways of Christ and carry his image because in Christianity the epitome of our faith is that we look or act like Christ. In everything we do, it doesn’t matter the category, if it is in business, marriage and payment of dowry, we are supposed to portray the image of Jesus. “As Christians we are removed from the setups of tribes, what do I mean, when you become a Christian you carry the nature of our Lord Jesus Christ and therefore some of the practices and customs that our fore fathers and fathers dwelt on should not be our guiding principles”, said pastor Benson.
Pastor Benson continued and said, “You find that some of the gifts involved in the dowry payment were not godly, like in some cases alcohol was involved. The old men would indulge in alcohol during the negotiation in which if they over indulged, it would affect the outcome of the negotiation. As Christians we cannot participate in such practices because our faith has forbidden us. In dowry giving as Christians, our aim is to represent Christ or to walk as Christ walked the Bible tells us that the image of Christ is what drives us. We are supposed to conform to his image, everything that we do in marriage and dowry Christ should be seen.”
“No human being can be sold when you have purposed to marry and when you have purposed as a Christian to get a wife, it is honorable to honor the parents because the Bible says we honour them. By doing so we present ourselves worthy of marrying and the families involved can build good and lasting relationships. When it doesn’t serve that purpose then it becomes an error,” added Pastor Benson.
According to pastor Benson, a believer is not supposed to marry a non-believer, the Bible tells us that you are not supposed to be yoked with a non-believer so when you marry from a Christian family with a strong believe in the word of God, you’ll find that most of the barbaric ways of handling dowry are not there. The agreement will be based upon the Christian values and the negotiations and giving dowry will be smooth because of being in the same faith and spirit. “It is good to marry a Christian believer so that your faith is not compromised,” he said.
Dowry has had an effect on society at large, it has made men shy away from getting married, because of not being able to afford it. It has also made youth enter into marriage without the knowledge of parents for fearing to go through the process of dowry negotiations.
From Pastor Benson’s viewpoint, in the scenario where the groom is not able to pay for the dowry, the parent of the bride can ask the man to take her but consider paying for the dowry in small portions. Normally it's not a case of a strict debt, it's a favorable debt that the man is not pressured to pay, but is honor-bound to pay. To maintain honor in the society the man has to pay the dowry to completion. “In most cases when a man and woman are in love, you will find that it's the joy of both parents to have them get married. The dowry will not be a hindrance to them making it flexible for the two. Where there is a will there is always a way so you will find they will look for easier ways to make them get married,” said Pastor Benson.
Next: The Kenyan festive season, by Eric Bosire.
Notes:
About the author:
Eric Bosire is a Kenyan Journalist. He is based in Kisii.
About the image:
Photo by Sharon Mtesa. The faces have been artifically blurred.
Suggested citation:
Eric Bosire: Dowry. MissionField News (ISSN 2813-2270)
https://missionfield.news/2023/25_Dowry
2023-12-21.